Feelings, with their many layers and nuances, can be challenging to talk about.
Before inviting yourself, or asking others, to talk about feelings, here are some things to consider:
Pause before talking.
Allow feelings to be what they are. Feel feelings fully. Listen, move, sound, or draw to let them express.
Focus on what’s small.
Locate one sensation in your body. Place your hand here. Or, after drawing a feeling, point to one mark on the paper. Keep the frame on one sensation at a time, not the whole, generalized bundle.
Describe what you sense.
Don’t name, interpret, explain, or summarize. Use description words (color, movement, texture, temperature, rhythm, size, other). Go slowly and keep looking deeper.
Stay neutral.
Feel an expanded clarity when you don’t venture into explanations or frames of problem/solution. Invite genuine curiosity, instead of questions that try to “change” what you notice.
When talking with others (especially children)…
avoid questions such as: How are you feeling? (which requires generalization and naming) or What happened? (which invites a fixed-story and limits feelings’ movement) or What’s wrong? (which assumes feelings need to be “solved” and explained).
When we talk small and use description, we open space to learn in relationship with our feelings.
Love, Melissa
Related posts: Listen to a feeling; Move a feeling; Sound a feeling; What’s wrong?!
Additional Resources:
[This post is part of a series of posts on feelings as material; I’ve compiled the resources listed in previous posts here so they’re in one place.]
Feelings as Material (essay)
It’s not a problem (essay)
The Science of How Our Minds and Our Bodies Converge in the Healing of Trauma by Maria Papova (with other resource links)
No Mud, No Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh
Dancing in the Flames: The Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness by Marion Woodman and Elinor Dickson
Qoya (wild, wise, and free—a movement community with various offerings)
Make a Pretty Sound: A Story of Ella Jenkins by Traci N. Todd, illustrated by Eleanor Davis
Squeak, Rumble, Whomp! Whomp! Whomp! by Wynton Marsalis, illustrated by Paul Rogers
Nunu and the Sea by Isabella Kung
Niko Draws a Feeling by Rob Raczka, illustrated by Simone Shin (picture book)
Be Boy Buzz by bell hooks, illustrated by Chris Raschka (picture book)
Out of a Jar by Deborah Marcero (picture book)
Button Snail Hum is a pollination project of Noticing Matters.
Learn more and connect with me: melissaabutler.com | melissa@melissaabutler.com
